Smiling Happy People (this week on The Bachelorette)

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Man. I had so many notes typed up from last week's Bachelorette and I just never got around to organizing them into a post. With class finally being finished, I may have gotten a little overzealous scheduling swim lessons for Madi and beach trips and hikes and all the fun things I love to do in the summer.  I also got the news last week that I've been wait-listed for the nursing program this fall, so I'm scheduled to take the TEAS in a couple weeks to prove that I know roughly as much math/English/science as a 10th grader. Sounds like NBD, right? As it happens, I actually appear to have forgotten more science than I ever learned so I have a little brushing up to do (which I hope to do mostly from the zero-gravity lounger in the backyard.) 

Anyhoo, since I didn't get a chance to post last week I'm pretty stoked to have been thrown the bone of a 2-day Bachelorette extravaganza this week. And if you didn't watch last week I think I can safely sum up the episode with a few key points: 1. Chad thinks JoJo is kind of a nag. 2. Chad really likes meat. 3. "Talking intellectual things" is definitely not Chad's jam. 4. No one likes Chad. And there you have it. Let this week's shenanigans commence!

Monday's episode opens with the Bachelor mansion looking like the wrong side of a frat party complete with toilet paper in the trees (c'mon Chris Harrison we know you're not really doing the clean-up. You're not fooling anybody.) empty beer bottles galore and and guys passed out in random locations.





The guys stumble into the mansion to discover that this week's first one-on-one date goes to Chase (of bad mustache joke fame.) But you know what? It's okay because Olivia -oh, excuse me, Chad- already knows he's in a better place with JoJo than the other guys, so whatever.

Chase and JoJo arrive for their date... at a yoga studio, where right off the bat they are instructed in weird hip thrusts, grunting and anger-gasms. What in the actual eff is an anger-gasm?! Granted, the sum total of my yoga experience is limited to one old-school Brooklyn Decker workout yoga DVD, but seriously. Is this really a thing? Or are the producers just having a little laugh at our Bachelorette's expense? Either way, I can not think of anything more awkward. The session ends with JoJo and Chase doing some...yab yab? yum yum? Who the heck knows. It's apparently some sort of secret yogic phrase meaning "sit on each other's laps and make out after some really intense eye contact." The rest of the date is pretty tame in comparison: standard Bachelor dinner-and-a-private-concert fair.

Back at the mansion we have a serious Gold's Gym at Venice Beach vibe going on. Or maybe more accurately a little Hans and Franz from Saturday Night Live, vibe. Put down the dumbbells, Chad!





The group date is announced and Chad -always looking at the positive side- doesn't want to go because "it's too many guys." Newsflash Chad: this isn't Tinder. You actually signed up to go on dates with dudes. Lots of dudes. Chad's 'tude doesn't go over well with the other guys and suddenly shiz gets all junior high with insults and threats being hurled around willy nilly. Pressures are rising...aaaaand it's a theatre date. Aw, it's like the guys actually think they might get to watch some cool standup or a little sketch comedy. Newp! We know that this is Bachelor Nation where it's not fun unless everyone's being publicly humiliated.  So are any of us shocked when they announce that of course the guys will be required to spill their deepest darkest sex secrets to the girl they're trying to impress and oh yeah, a room full of strangers and a few million TV viewers? Doubt it. 

Overall I think the guys perform a little better than, say, the girls in the awkward talent show on Ben's season. Some are legitimately funny, even. Until Evan pops onto the stage to call Chad out for  using steroids (ballsy move, my friend.) Obviously Chad takes the ribbing in a stride and decides to prove Evan completely wrong by shoving him, tearing his shirt, punching a door, threatening to "murder someone" and other totally non-roid-ragey activities. Well played, Chad.




Meanwhile, Jordan confesses to JoJo that he let his job get in the way of his last serious relationship and he sounds so grown-up and mature and self-aware...except, didn't his ex just out him on Insta for being a cheater? Because that's just douchey. And speaking of good looking scandalous men, Stassi spilled on her Straight Up podcast the other day that firefighter Grant dumped his serious GF for a spot on the show. Like, from ring-shopping to the curb kind of dumped. WTH with these guys?

At the cocktail party after the group date Evan tosses down an ultimatum: "It's me or Chad." Oh, don't be that guy, Evan! Did you see it work out for Emily when she tattled to Ben last season? No? At the end of the day it never works out for the good-hearted yet sensitive contestant who just wants to out the bad guy/girl. JoJo decides that she can't send Chad home, but placates Evan with the rose causing Chad's mind to literally explode. "Is this real? Is this a real scenario right now??" 




JoJo's next one-on-one is with the sweet and sensitive James Taylor and involves getting all tarted up 40's style (is anyone else's OCD going nuts that James' suspenders are just flapping around? Gah!) for some dance lessons and a little swing party. Not that kind of swing party! Get your mind out of the gutter. This is family television! Anyhoo, JT spills his guts about being the victim of childhood bullying and even though I'm usually drawn to super confident types, I find him endearing. I even like that he whips out his guitar to play JoJo a little song since it's a real-deal song and not whatever weirdness the guys were singing in their little kum-ba-yah circle in last week's episode. 

Back at the house, Daniel -in what may be the first actual lucid moment we've seen- tries to explain to Chad that the other guys are scared of him and that Daniel is starting to look bad by association. "Let's just say you're Hitler. Or Donald Trump. Or Mussolini. Or Bush. Just take it down a notch alright?" Meanwhile Chad is aggressively slam-nomming a yam. Literally, a yam you guys, that he's holding like a banana and just...munching on. Because that's totally normal.

The episode ends with Chris Harrison showing up to announce a surprise pool party and Evan following him out to make sure that no one in the entire universe is left unaware of what a complete weirdo Chad is. Chris pulls Chad aside and tells him to go back in and "settle it." I'm sure that's going to go well! 

Stay tuned Bachelor Nation! Methinks there's serious rainbows and unicorns bloodshed on the horizon! 
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