Well, this post is clearly a little late in the making, seeing as how The Bachelorette premiered 3 days ago! Fortunately, now that my math final (cumulative no less, for the love of God) is officially over and done I can finally get back to using my available neurons for things that really matter. Hint: my list of "things that really matter" does not include geometric sequencing or any phrase containing the word equation. It does, however, include the best
trash TV of all time. You know I'm talkin 'bout the Bachelor franchise!
I just need to say, right off the bat, that I fell in love watching Monday night's episode. Not with JoJo (although she is one hot mama) and not with her harem (although I wouldn't kick most of them out of bed for eating crackers) but with JoJo's wardrobe. Seriously, within the first few minutes we got classic blogger chambray, an adorbs floral romper, trendy open-toed ankle boots and that nude sequined gown. I've been haunting Google trying to find a close-up of the rhinestone-encrusted sparkly sandals she wore with the gown because I fell head over heels in lust with one brief glimpse and I'm pretty sure they're everything. Alas, the search engine I rely on to get me through the day without undercooking my asparagus, burning the house down, or convincing myself I have an incurable illness failed me just when I needed it most.
C'est la vie. As JoJo said, "bring on the men!" So, who are the men this season? Keep reading for a rundown of the 20 finalists, along with the grades I'm so generously doling out for the first night's performance...
And the first impression rose goes to....none other than Greenbay quarterback Aaron Rodger's little brother Jordan. The guy was smooth, well-dressed, not overtly douchey at any point in the evening and was the first to set the sparks flying with our Bachelorette. He's getting an *A+ from me, obvs.
1. Luke. The Army veteran/country singer rode in on a unicorn paying homage to JoJo's masked entrance on Ben's season. He oozed quiet confidence and he brought a gift (cowboy boots for the win). I put my money on Luke making top 3. *A+
2. Wells. The radio DJ brought along his pals All 4 One to serenade JoJo throughout the cocktail party. *Swoon* I'm not sure JoJo is old enough to truly appreciate the level of awesomeness that is their hit song "I Swear" but it took me right back to teenage crush days. Wells gets an *A.
3. James Taylor. Not the James Taylor of Rock and Roll legend, but nevertheless a cute, unassuming, guitar-playing contender. The first of the many, many James's this season to get a rose. *B for James T.
4. Grant. I kinda felt like I needed to root for Grant since he's a local boy (and if the 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon is anything to go by, I undoubtedly know someone who knows someone who knows him haha) He's one of the better looking guys this season, IMO, but didn't do anything much to stand out the first night. So, *B+.
5. Derek: banker, shy-guy, self-professed nerd who "used to look like Harry Potter." *A for Derek since I'm a sucker for cute nerds and Harry Potter.
6. Christian. This tech guy routinely sets his alarm for 3:30 am to hit up the gym. I admire that, but mostly from afar as that would drive me freaking bonkers in a relationship. He's an awesome father-figure for his little brothers though. *B+ for Christian.
7. Chad the real estate agent is awkwardly intense and gave me immediate creeper vibes. When he informed the camera that "I'm confident: if I want her I can have her" I saw all the red flags flying and awarded my first *F of the evening.
8. Chase. He showed up with a fake mustache and cringe-worthy cheesy lines. *D for you, Chase.
9. Alex the Marine. I was all set to hand him an above-average grade until...he started showing off with pushups and earned himself a *C.
10. Robby. The former competitive swimmer arrived with a bottle of wine and shared a classy swig with the Bachelorette. I think I actually snorted when JoJo said "My mom will like him." If you want to see why, check out my recap of her hometown date with Ben. *C
11. Brandon. His job is listed as "hipster." So much no, that gets a failing grade all by itself. *F
12. James F, the second James of the evening to walk away with a rose. He's a boxing club owner with acting aspirations and not-great taste in suits but I think there may be a decent sense of humor there. *B-
13. Ali. I was intrigued by the Iranian piano-playing bartender, especially when he busted out with some Moonlight Sonata during the cocktail party. I don't know if I see him as a finalist, but I like him. *A-
14. Santa Claus. Seriously. The guy was introduced as "Saint Nick from the North Pole." He stayed in costume all evening passing out teddy bears to the other contestants while awkwardly chortling "jo jo jo jo." I'm not a fan of the gimmicks, and that was one of the worst. Easiest *F of the night.
15. Will. I couldn't decide if his goofiness -with the cue cards and the cootie catcher- was endearing or annoying but the uncomfortable kiss sealed his fate. *D+
16. James S. My jury is still out on the last of the James's. His claim to Bachelor super-fandom is either a brilliantly funny joke or seriously weird and creepily obsessive. And yes, I realize I'm probably being a little sexist here. I own it. He gets a passing grade at least until the verdict rolls in. *C+
17 Vinny. He brought JoJo a toast. Like, an actual piece of bread he was carrying around in his suit pocket. Why?? Definitely NMS. *D
18. Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist. He likes to "get guys excited." And tells the camera "It's a hard business." Yikes. Because he seems genuinely nice he's saved from a failing grade. But just barely. *D
19. Daniel was the evening's "THAT guy," quick to get "Canadian wasted" and strip down to his teeny tiny man bikini to flex for the camera and take a drunken dip in the pool. I'm not quite sure when/why he started poking the other men in the belly button but he did let us know "If I was gay I'd be in paradise." So maybe Daniel has a little secret to share with us later or maybe he's just a big old DBag. Either way, I'm
totally not surprised because, producers shocked he got a rose. *F-
There you have it ladies: this season's Bachelorette lineup! Who were your favorites/least favorites Monday night?
TTFN Bachelor Nation!