Dazed and Confused: The Bachelor season finale

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Ladies and gentlemen, it's the moment we've all been waiting for. Or at least, the moment I've been waiting for because I have no life. It's Bachelor finale time!

Chris Harrison kicks off the live show with a special announcement. What would a finale be without a "special announcement?" Lame, that's what. Surprise! He tells us we may be having a Bachelor wedding after the show! He really plays it up: Ben's pastor is here and both girl's parents are waiting in the wings. Because that won't be awkward for anyone.

Is it, though?

Back in Jamaica, Jojo and Lauren are both feeling happy and confident going into the final few days because Ben has told them each that he loves them. 




Lauren is first up on the chopping block to meet the parents and she looks very cool and put together. Mom warns her that Ben can get "pretty intense" and "worked up" sometimes, but Lauren isn't going to let a little thing like Ben not being perfect bother her, and at the end of the day she tells Ben "Ok, meeting your parents is the last thing I needed. I'm ready to get engaged." You go girl, with that confidence. Dayumm.




Jojo arrives for her round of friendly parental interrogation looking nervous (which is a little endearing) and carrying a conch shell (which is a little...odd.) Overall, Ben's parents seem more relaxed and comfortable with Jojo, who cries when she tells Ben's dad how in love she is. 

***** *****

Ben's last date with Lauren once again involves hanging out on a boat in a gorgeous location while Lauren once again wears the shortest most uncomfortable looking shorts known to womankind. 




Our Bachelor is quiet and broody and wonders if this thing he has with Lauren is just too easy and too good to be true (to which I say, probably yes. But I'm kind of a cynic.) Ben tells her, "No matter what happens, you made me a better person" which sounds a bit like goodbye and Lauren is perceptive enough to realize she may not have this in the bag after all. She tells us she feels defeated and confused, but the girl does a great job of playing it cool in a situation where I would be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.




Jojo's last date with Ben is at yet another gorgeous waterfall where shiz gets real. Really real. And I have to say, their conversation is so much deeper, and more honest and raw than anything we've seen between Ben and Lauren that...I don't know...I might be tipping toward Team Jojo. She's so excited to talk to him about their plans for the future: where they'll live, how they'll make things work after the show. It's clear Ben isn't jumping on the bandwagon so Jojo asks if he feels good, to which he replies "Um. That's a loaded question." He tries to distract her from that less-than-entusiastic response with the old makeout-and-make-her-forget technique, but it doesn't work. Jojo wants some answers. 

Eventually they move the party to the bathroom floor -because why not- where Ben assures Jojo of how much he loves her, and then oh so subtly mentions that he also loves someone else. So, there's that. 




And now Ben is just confused, you guys! So confused and lost! Until Neil Lane shows up with the bling and the hard-hitting questions ("Have you picked someone?") And suddenly, yes! Ben knows exactly which finger deserves to wear that Neil Lane sparkler. 

Jojo and Lauren prepare for the big proposal/breakup and Jojo's gown looks absolutely stunning. Lauren's dress is a gorgeous color, but super boring so I suppose it's a fitting choice. 

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Jojo is the first to step out of the helicopter which we all know is the mark of Bachelor doom. She eloquently pours her heart out to Ben while he fidgets and can't quite meet her eye. Finally he tells her that he didn't know if he would find love in this process, but he did. With her! It's just that, he loves someone else more. Whoops! So sorry! IMO at this point Jojo has more right to be pissed/hurt/completely confused than any other contestant in Bachelor history, but she handles herself well and leaves with class.

Ben is crying and clearly torn up about his decision. "I'm about to get on one knee and ask a woman to marry me and I was confused about that because that's how much I love Jojo." Shut the front door. What?!




So now Ben calls Lauren's dad to ask his blessing on their marriage saying he feels "entirely confident" in their relationship which seems disingenuous to me at this point. And then Lauren arrives and there's a proposal and it's beautiful. I'm happy for them, but after all that turmoil I'm kind of meh on the whole thing and don't get swept up in the love or ugly cry at the romance of it all like I usually do.

What a season! 

Highlights from After the Final Rose (because this post is long enough, dammit!): Jojo is named as the next Bachelorette (love it!)




Ben re-proposes to Lauren (weird) and no one gets married. Boy, Chris Harrison, you really had me going there for a hot second. Not.

So that's that! Caio, Bachelor Nation. See you on the flip side (which we all know means see you in May for the Bachelorette premier!)

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