This post has been sitting in my draft list for days while I've debated whether to hit "publish" or just delete it. The thing is, I'm not good at being serious...I prefer laughter whenever possible, and I want my little bloggy blog to be a happy place to visit. But I guess every once in awhile it's okay to just get real. Right? I hope? And I figure, whatever it is I'm dealing with, there's a good chance maybe one of you are going through -or have gone through- something similar.
Scary word/scary thought.
And before I go any further, I promise I'm not about to throw myself some kind of pity-party here. I know many women have struggled with this issue for years, dealing with endless cycles of hope, hormones and heartbreak I couldn't pretend to imagine. As for me, I'm just starting out on this particular journey with no idea what's in store for Travis and I just yet.
So, the deets: for years I was convinced I'd never want to make the committment of marriage. (My parents are divorced and my mom is estranged from the rest of the family, yada yada, another story for another time.) Anyway, for most of my life I was quite content with just dating and never really saw myself walking down the aisle. And I swear I had some kind of an aversion to anyone under 24 inches tall. Babies? None for me, thanks! But somehow, when I met Travis it all changed in a heartbeat. Love, real love, does some crazy things to your brain! Suddenly I had a whole new set of desires and priorities. I realized I wanted nothing more than to grow old with this guy and create a family together. But it just hasn't been quite that easy. (At least, the family part. The growing old part...yeah...that's happening. lol)
So we've been trying to get pregnant for about 8 months now. I know that may not sound like a super long time -and in the scheme of things it's probably not- but at 35 I'm starting to feel the pressure. I've got the fertility apps for my smart phone and a pile of ovulation sticks under the bathroom sink. And now every few weeks starts a new process of trying, then hoping, then disappointment when once again good old Aunt Flow crashes the party. And ohmygosh I had no idea I was going to feel like such a failure for struggling to give Travis something we both want so much!
Last week I finally decided it's time to get proactive and take advantage of my health insurance to schedule some time for a little chat -and maybe some tests- with my ob-gyn. Ironically, her first available appointment is for Valentine's day. The intimacy of stirrups and a speculum aren't how the hubby and I had planned to celebrate...but it's certainly more adventuresome than dinner and a movie. And maybe we'll start to get some answers, and a path to follow which is what I really want. I can deal with a challenge...it's the unknown that drives me nuts!
It's just so weird to me to be craving an experience I spent most of my life convinced I didn't want. Isn't life funny?
Any words of wisdom or advice?
I'll love ya for it!