the "I" word

This post has been sitting in my draft list for days while I've debated whether to hit "publish" or just delete it. The thing is, I'm not good at being serious...I prefer laughter whenever possible, and I want my little bloggy blog to be a happy place to visit. But I guess every once in awhile it's okay to just get real. Right? I hope? And I figure, whatever it is I'm dealing with, there's a good chance maybe one of you are going through -or have gone through- something similar.

Anyhoo, here's what's been on my mind a lot lately:
Scary word/scary thought. 

And before I go any further, I promise I'm not about to throw myself some kind of pity-party here.  I know many women have struggled with this issue for years, dealing with endless cycles of hope, hormones and heartbreak I couldn't pretend to imagine. As for me, I'm just starting out on this particular journey with no idea what's in store for Travis and I just yet.

So, the deets: for years I was convinced I'd never want to make the committment of marriage. (My parents are divorced and my mom is estranged from the rest of the family, yada yada, another story for another time.) Anyway, for most of my life I was quite content with just dating and never really saw myself walking down the aisle. And I swear I had some kind of an aversion to anyone under 24 inches tall. Babies? None for me, thanks! But somehow, when I met Travis it all changed in a heartbeat. Love, real love, does some crazy things to your brain! Suddenly I had a whole new set of desires and priorities. I realized I wanted nothing more than to grow old with this guy and create a family together. But it just hasn't been quite that easy. (At least, the family part. The growing old part...yeah...that's happening. lol)

So we've been trying to get pregnant for about 8 months now. I know that may not sound like a super long time -and in the scheme of things it's probably not- but at 35 I'm starting to feel the pressure. I've got the fertility apps for my smart phone and a pile of ovulation sticks under the bathroom sink.  And now every few weeks starts a new process of trying, then hoping, then  disappointment when once again good old Aunt Flow crashes the party. And ohmygosh I had no idea I was going to feel like such a failure for struggling to give Travis something we both want so much! 

Last week I finally decided it's time to get proactive and take advantage of my health insurance to schedule some time for a little chat -and maybe some tests- with my ob-gyn. Ironically, her first available appointment is for Valentine's day. The intimacy of stirrups and a speculum aren't how the hubby and I had planned to celebrate...but it's certainly more adventuresome than dinner and a movie. And maybe we'll start to get some answers, and a path to follow which is what I really want. I can deal with a's the unknown that drives me nuts!

It's just so weird to me to be craving an experience I spent most of my life convinced I didn't want. Isn't life funny?

Any words of wisdom or advice?
I'll love ya for it!


  1. No advice but I'm sending lots of warm wishes your way. You should always be honest, even if it is more serious than usual - it's one of the best things about blogging, seeing people for who they are, good and bad, happy or sad. But even for all your seriousness, there's still such wonderful underlying optimism. :)

  2. I am sending tons of good luck your way. Its ok to not have a peachy blog 24-7 because a real blog is way better. & real means there is both good & bad in our lives sadly :( I do hope sweet girl that you are able to find some answers to help you both figure out how to create a sweet little one :)

  3. You spend your whole life trying NOT to get pregnant and then once you want to, it doesn't seem quite so easy. I will say some prayers for answers AND a little one. Everything happens in right timing!

  4. I've been there and while every experience is different, I can say one thing - keep the faith and keep positive. It's a very frustrating place to be, something so out of your control but something so wanted. Hopefully, your doctor's can get you on the right track. I was on fertility pills for 6 months before becoming pregnant, which isn't a long time in comparison to what some women go through but it was the longest 6 months of my life! And I love your blog for the fun and the real :)

  5. Hello. I popped over from life o' bon when I saw 'infertility'. My husband and I have been struggling for about 2.5 years. I won't lie, it can be brutal heartbreak. We've had lots of procedures and lots of tests, injections, scans and meds and will find out in one week if the most recent procedure worked. ANYHOW...

    My advice: It sounds like you're starting to be proactive. Which is great. The first thing they do is check the male's sample. A good Dr. won't give you anything until they determine where the issue is coming from. Then I would make an appointment right away with a fertility specialist in your area. Honestly, your OBGYN can only do so much but many fertility specialists can do everything from right in their office (IUI's, IVF, Scans...) plus they deal with it on a daily basis and are skilled. I would make an appointment with one soon, because they can take awhile to get into for your first consult appointment (especially if they are top-rated).

    The first time I went in for my consult I wanted to cry. The first time I picked up fertility meds at the same pharmacy I used to get my birth control from.... I DID cry. It's a process. My last advice is be open with your husband. Discuss your fears, discuss your limits. It's definitely unfair but you two will need to go through it 100% together. Best of luck!

  6. Hey lady....fellow infertile Myrtle here. We are about 18 months into our crazy journey. I am 29 and my husband is 31. Our issue is UNEXPLAINED male infertility. Not awesome. At all. I feel ya on the romantic Valentines date at the gyno (side note: get your toes done--my gyno complimented me on mine last time my hooves were all pretty, polished, and propped up in the stirrups). Our first appointment with our RE was on our one year anniversary. Not exactly how I imagined commemorating such a special day. One bit of advice: after going through something not-so-fun with this stuff, counteract it with something awesome. We usually eat at a new restaurant, or I will buy something frivolous from the clearance section at Target or TJ Maxx. It's gotta be a balance. Feel free to reach out if you need to chat. I know I am just some blog stranger, but connecting with other bloggers going through this has been my saving grace. I hope talking about this provides a feeling of community and togetherness for you too.

  7. Sending lots of good wishes your way. And no I do not think that it is weird to want something you never thought you wanted. As we grow and learn, we become different people then we ever dreamed of. Have a great Valentine's Day date ;-)

    Newest follower!

  8. I wish I had more to say on this subject but I am no where near ready for babies! BUT I am sending every positive vibe I've got at you for tomorrow!!

  9. It took my husband & I a year of trying & some medical help before we got pregnant. I can understand all of the emotions that you are feeling. One of my favorite scriptures that got us through this time was this: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
    I know that we've never "met" & that I just found your blog but if you ever have any questions or would like to talk, please just ask! Praying for you!
    Amy @ keepin' up with the Smith's


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