Sometimes Gravity Sucks (and other embarrassing moments.)

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Have I ever told you I'm a masochist?

Okay... no, not really.

But I am about to share with you some of my most embarrassing moments. Ever. Why? Well, if we're going to be friends then there are just some things you know about me! See, my utter lack of coordination may not always shine through in the pictures that I post, but being clumsy and awkward is sort of who I am. And while I like to think my IQ is at least a couple points above complete moron, you wouldn't always know it from my actions. It's one of the reasons I bleached my hair back to blonde (convenient scapegoat...more on the hair issue later.) Fortunately, I figured out a long time ago that when your MO is a little...um...quirky, you can either embrace the quirk and enjoy laughing at yourself or you can request a good strong prescription for Prozac. I choose laughter. So let's get to it!

#1. The time I broke a major sweat. We're going way back for this one. All the way back to kindergarten in fact, to my very earliest of embarrassing memories. It was the first day of school and I was feeling oh so grown up in my ruffly pink first day of school dress. We started the morning with a little introduction, then headed on out to the playground. All of a sudden I realized I had to pee. Like desperate, emergency OMG-where's-the-bathroom-where's-my-teacher-where's-the-BATHROOM-ohhhh-too-late had to pee. And of course all the other kids wanted to know why my legs were suddenly so wet. What's a girl to say? "Um, you guys I'm just really sweaty. You know. From the swings." Yeah...worst walk of shame ever. But don't worry. I went on to really make something of my kindergarten career, and graduated with honors.


#2. The Marilyn pose. Fast forward a few years...I was 16 or 17 and strutting my stuff on the carnival midway at the county fair with my bff. I had on a brand new little denim mini skirt. And I was rockin it. I was confident. I was....naked?? Just as I stepped up onto the funhouse platform -surreptitiously glancing around to see if any cute boys were noticing the awesomeness of my new outfit- it suddenly wasn't there. A gust of wind, from exactly the wrong angle had blown that d*mn skirt straight up around my waist, putting my unfortunately lazy choice of granny-panties on full display for my fellow fair-goers. You want a little lesson in humility? Just flash your granny-panties for a crowd that includes carnival barkers. They'll be happy to oblige.

#3. The time I (didn't quite) nail it. I love a good spa ma ni-pedi as much as anyone, but these days I only seem to bother when I have some kind of special event to dress up for.  In my mid-20's however, I went through a phase of being completely obsessed with my nails. I kept my appointments at the salon religiously, and was never without my full set of acrylics. One day, I was in the car and running late on my way to meet a date for dinner. I happened to look down at my hands on the steering wheel and notice -horror!- that one of my nails had broken. I knew I had a tiny bottle of emergency glue in my purse, so without further ado, I pulled the car over and dug it out. But the cap, the stupid cap, was stuck and I could Not. Get. It. Off. I couldn't get it to budge. And I refused to show up on that date with a broken nail. So I clamped that bottle in my teeth and I yanked. Hard. And the cap came off alright, with a fury. You can probably guess the outcome: my ridiculous vanity was immediately punished with a super-glue coated tongue and lips that were practically welded together. I mean, I fixed the nail...but it took a good long time to get my lips pried apart. So yeah, that happened.

#4. The really bad hair day. A few years ago I decided to make the transition from bleachy-blonde to dark brunette. This questionable decision was made, not after consulting my hairstylist, but alone at home at 2am, after watching some random makeover show on TLC. I was inspired! Dark hair is so luxurious looking! I immediately ran out to the 24 hour Walgreens, found a likely-looking shade and set to work. A half hour later, as I was drying my hair, I started to realize that the mahogany I had envisioned was in actuality a very goth-punk purple, which might have looked edgy and cool on someone who was actually edgy and cool. Aka, someone other than me. I decided that the obvious solution -duh- was to add some red to the purple. Red + purple equals glorious hair, right? No. What it equals is a muddy brown-gray disaster. But I'm tenacious. Persistent. A never-give-up'er. It's not always a good thing. My third trip to the drugstore I brought home one of those super harsh color-stripping kits. Figured, you know, better just start from scratch. Long story short, I did eventually end up with a ginger shade not too far outside the realm of natural-looking. And a few months later I managed to achieve the brunette shade I craved...somehow without going bald in the process. The whole experience was a very good lesson in the merits of impulse control at 2am.  


#5 Girl not defying gravity. Awhile back my partner and I responded to a medical aid on the second floor of a local apartment complex, not exactly in the best part of town. The fire department had arrived before us, and as we walked up they called down that we wouldn't need our equipment. I deposited our medical bags at the bottom of the staircase, setting my sunglasses on top and then running up to see what was going on. The call was nothing serious, so I quickly started back down the stairs to get the gurney ready for our patient. I was about halfway down when I realized my sunglasses were gone...my new Michael Kors sunglasses were just... gone! No! And as I was busy taking in that fact, I was not looking where my feet were going -which happened to be somewhere other than the next step- and I went headlong the rest of the way down the concrete staircase, while my partner, the fire department and our patient all looked on, horrified. Lucky for me I was able to get up and walk it off...the only real damage being my bruised ego. Sometimes gravity just...sucks.


So there you have it ladies and gents! I have plenty of other awkward anecdotes, but these top my list. Now, make me feel a teensy bit better and tell me some stories of your own???

Linking up with Julia from The Funny Thing of It Is for a theme that's right up my alley...50 Shades of Stupid. Check it out!
50shades

2 comments:

  1. Hmmm... I don't think I can out-do you with embarrassing stories, BUT... there was the time I had my hair highlighted and wasn't pleased with the results. I really didn't think it looked good but thought maybe it was just catching the light wrong and really was more ashy than grey. Yeah, I don't think so. I walked into the school and the father of one of the kids we know did a double take and started to LAUGH at me. Yes, LAUGH. I went directly to the drug store and bought hair dye. I was mortified. And to this day, I remember that nearly every time I see him.

    Following you from the GFC blog hop. Love to invite you to the Weekend Blog Walk @ At Home Take 2. Hope to see you there!

    Jessica
    http://www.athometake2.com

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  2. hahahha!! i laughed my way through reading this, but the best was gluing your lips together.. ahhh, the things we do to be pretty!! love it. thanks for linking up!!

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